I feel you in there.
And it fills me with wonder and joy.
How can this be? How can this long-awaited dream really be reality? I feel sad about my lack of faith in the wait that led me into such deep despair, and I feel a bit weird about the fact that even though our dearest and most fervent prayers are being answered, I can’t quite believe it. Because why SHOULDN’T God be this good? Why should this feel THIS unbelievable?
The thing is, I don’t think I doubt that He can be this good– this dreams-do-come-true, happiness-is-for-real, unstoppable-joy-bubbles-up-like-the-flutterings-of-the-miracle-inside-GOOD– but I doubt that He can be this good to me.
Your mama is so undeserving, little one.
When the gales blew too harshly for me to stand, I toppled and lost my footing and bowed my head and wept. I held on to faith with very feeble hands. I wish I’d felt stronger. But because He is faithful, Faith held on to me with a strength I cannot quantify. And there are no words for this gratitude, my little love… “If we are faithless, He remains faithful– for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13)
This Jesus is SO gracious, so kind, so good. And I pray that somehow, some way, you will come to see and know this through me; through daddy and I; through all the mistakes we’ll make and all the doubts and fears we live with, and fub-ups and and messes and pain we may cause you along the way just because we’re humans with a sin problem on a broken planet (oh, please, may this child be spared of all senseless pain, Father!), and through the joys, through the laughter, through the millions of kisses we’ll plant on you and millions of lessons we’ll try to teach; through watching us fumble toward deeper love– between each other, for God, and for others around us.
How I pray you will know God. How little anything else matters in this reckless, breaking world longing for redemption.
How I pray you will praise Him with every beat of your heart, a heart brought to beat only by Him and through His gracious answer to so many tearful prayers. Know the lover of your soul, little one, and have peace in that beloved soul. This is Mommy’s deepest prayer for you…
We have longed you into being, little one. And it was the Father’s great joy to wrap you up snug inside this aching mama’s womb and say, “Ah, yes, this is the child I meant for this couple all along.”
Oh, how you are loved.
Keep dancing in there, my sweet baby, so I can feel you and know that this is REALLY happening, that YOU are really happening… Precious, precious life sent from heaven to teach me to hope again. Be safe, be well, be healthy, and be in love with your masterful creator who has so recently kissed your head and sent you earthside. Live in that love.
I love you, I love you, I love you. Daddy loves you. And your Heavenly Daddy loves you too, sweet, precious, promised, hopeful, chosen one.